We had Josh at home for one week until late one Friday night, Shona while resting Josh on her lap asked me if Josh looked ok. I was numb to any idea that my kids could have anything wrong with them. That night Shona’s intuition saved Josh’s life, but which began a journey of hope, trust, desperation, and dependence on our all-knowing God.
While Josh lived at home he always seemed uncomfortable when ever I held him. I was grateful when my Mum and Dad came to Canberra. Dad seeing Josh’s discomfort in my grip quickly realized that I needed some training. Within minutes my dad soon had Josh fast asleep. This then made for a small problem because Josh then wouldn’t sleep unless he was lying on dad’s soft tummy, or listening to the beat of dad’s heart in his chest or curled under the shadow of his chin. His comfort there was so peaceful and I can only hope that I see my son and dad comfort each other again in that way.
I loved when it came time to put him into the car. While Joshua lay in his crib I would pick it up and do half turns with my wrist. While doing this Josh’s eyes would embrace mine with a joy of trust; his gaze would lock on me with a stare that seemed to ask for more. There was never a cry or scream but always a small tightening of his cheeks muscles. Seeing his reaction and joy for this free fall, turning feeling, I couldn’t help but think that maybe he too might be a gymnast like his Granddad.
On the mornings when Shona would drop me off at Uni, I would do the kissing rounds of the car. I’d start with giving Kyla one of my supper slobbers, then race around and open Josh’s door. I was always unsure whether to wake him up with a kiss or to stare and catch the moment of how beautiful my son looked in his morning rest. I often couldn’t resist kissing him on the forehead and whispering, “I love you Josh.”
I took Joshua to Youth one night, led praise and worship then preached with him in my arms the entire time. Many people that night asked if they could hold Josh in fear of him being a distraction to what I was doing. No one got a hold that night because, to me, there is no greater honour than teaching your son how to lead and teach people about the things of God.
When he was two weeks old I remember being told he had one week to live. Shona stood with me that day and ask me to pray with her for peace and to believe that God would bring forth a miracle.
Our first miracle was seeing the support of our family and friends as they gathered quickly around us. Our phones overflowed with encouraging text messages. One message in particular was stamped in my spirit; it was from Mark Stilliarnos and it read, “Terry – have no fear, Josh has the best medicine, the Blood of Jesus.”
From this moment on, Josh marched me around Jericho. He taught me to fight although he never clenched his fists; he taught me to yell although I never heard him scream; he taught me to run although I never saw him crawl; he taught me love although I never saw him kiss. Josh you marched me around strong holds in my life and taught me to fight for the day. You showed me how to hang on to the promises of God, and when all fails to stand firm.
On my first visit to the hospital I wasn’t sure of where to find Josh. While walking through the corridors of the hospital I passed two nurses who stopped me and said, “You must be Josh’s father!” I quickly asked, “How do you know that?” They laughed between each other and said, “Because there’s a baby up there that looks like you and his name is Joshua!” I felt privileged to be recognized in the likeness of my son. Another nurse later commented that he really was my son because his hairline was receding in the same places as mine.
Josh, your favour spread like spilt water before you. You won the heart of every doctor and nurse that served you. When Josh was first admitted to hospital I asked the nurses, “Do you get attached to patients?” They all quickly answered, “We can’t afford to.” As it turned out, Josh gave what they couldn’t afford to give. Josh had a naive humility; when one looked into his eyes, his stare warmed your spirit. The Bible says, “The eyes are the door way to the soul.” Although his body decayed before us, his eyes never lost their charge. His spirit was always full of life and wonder. His eyes would draw you in to the innocence of his world, his outlook was so young but seemed so wise. Although he never understood why he was in this environment, it never stopped his heart from saying, “Tell me who you are? Why do you love me, and why do you never leave my side?
Josh you are one of the greatest leaders I know. These last four and a half months have you have shown me that perseverance is the fight that conquers mountains, that breath in your lungs is measured by the fight in your spirit and that the spirit is to be treasured above all things.
Thank you for staring into my eyes.
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